Exclusive Interview: Punxsutawney Phil on Why He’s Quitting

As another Groundhog Day wraps up, I was granted the rare honor of sitting down for an exclusive 1-on-1 interview with the holiday’s VIP, Punxsutawney Phil (my first inter-species interview since last year’s chat with the Central Park peacock).

Expecting to ask him about being in a movie with Bill Murray and what it’s like having 4 legs, I instead got an earful from the “prognosticator of prognosticators” about what it’s like having his job – and why he’s giving it up:

DJ:       So, how long have you had this gig?

PP:      Don’t get me started on this…I was hired as an entry-level weatherman in 1887, after being told there would be “room for growth.” 125 years later, and I’m still doing the exact same thing.

DJ:       You mean, coming out once a year and telling people if you see your shadow?

PP:      Man, you interviewers sure a perceptive lot, aren’t you?

DJ:       But wait – isn’t that your only job?

PP:      See, it’s elitists like you who think you know everything about me. Do you really think I woke up one day and said, “You know, I think I’d like to be responsible for one mindless task every year” – rather than start a business doing corporate team building events in New York City or whatever it is you do. Seriously, a TRIVIA company? Please.

DJ:       I take it, then, that you are not satisfied with your job?

PP:      Well, gee wiz, Einstein – what gave it away? The fact that I have ONE task to do a year, and it involves being awakened from a deep sleep to be dragged out into the freezing cold at the crack of dawn, naked, in front of hundreds of people, and asked if I see my SHADOW? Seriously – a gopher could do my job!

DJ:       So, you’re not being challenged at work is the issue…

PP:      Unless your idea of “challenged” is whether or not my eyes work. That, and spending the other 364 days of the year scurrying around looking for grubs, while trying not to get eaten by coyotes, snakes and hawks. Some dream job.

DJ:       Its sounds as though you are worried about your job security, even though you are unhappy in your position.

PP:      Please – do you think these people care what happens to me? All they want to know is that I’ll be there on February 2nd – when they need me. Besides that, they treat me like a frikkin’ rodent.

DJ:       Uhhh…

PP:      What?

DJ:       Nothing. So you feel like you’re being exploited in the workplace?

PP:       Let me tell you something, Mr. Big Shot Quizmaster or whatever you call yourself, I’ve got every right to be bitter. I’ve done my job perfectly: never showed up late, my burrow hole is kept nice and clean, I always wiggle my wiskers in that oh-so-cute way for the TV cameras every year. What have I gotten for it? Nothing. Nada. Zilch!

DJ:       Have you raised this issue with your supervisor?

PP:      You mean Mr. Monopoly and whoever those guys are with the top hats? Like they’re going to ever take anything I say seriously. Every year I tell them I want a raise, and they always says they’ll see what they can do; guess what? It’s always the same thing, no raise – but their hats always look shiny new, don’t they? Kinda makes you wonder, right?

DJ:       So, what will you do to deal with your workplace situation?

PP:      Simple – I’m giving notice. I’m too old to be dealing with this stuff anymore. I got an offer at a petting zoo over in Scranton, nice cushy gig, indoor housing and everything.

DJ:       But, what will happen next February 2nd?

PP:      I could care less. Knowing these clowns, they’ll probably hire some woodchuck half my age. Pathetic.

DJ:       Wow. Any final thoughts to share?

PP:      Yeah – Bill Murray? Total prick.