An Interview with Lance Armstrong’s Bicycle

As news of Lance Armstrong’s doping confession continues to make waves, many questions are being raised about the disgraced cyclist: why did he lie for so long? Why come clean now? What will the future hold?

However, little if any attention is being paid to another tragic figure in this saga: Mr. Armstrong’s bicycle, upon which he rode to glory (and, ultimately, shame). I caught up with Lance’s 2-wheeled ride, who allowed me to hop on for a quick spin, as well as granted me an exclusive interview:

DJ – You were Lance’s trusted colleague for so long. How do you feel now?

Bike – How do you think? For 20 years I’ve worked under this guy, carting his 160 pounds around and watching him win races and break records. He depended on me! And for what? I feel so deflated.

DJ – You took pride in your work, then? <rings bell>

Bike – Look, my job was to get the guy from point A to B, which I did – every day! Through the rain, in frikkin’ 120 degree heat – I never complained, not once! Even when he’d make us go to bumblef*ck nowhere France or wherever, flying first class while I’m slumming down in the luggage compartment. Sure the pay was lousy, and he got all the glory – but as far as where the rubber meets the pavement, that was all me.

DJ – You sound like a disgruntled employee. So you feel betrayed by the boss?

Bike – He lied to me the worst! Kept telling me how he owed his success to me, how supportive I was yada yada. Turns out he was just spinning my wheels – telling me what I wanted to hear in order to keep me from riding off into the sunset in search of a better deal. What a load of crap.

DJ –You do absorb these bumps well, I must say – and you corner really well. But tell me, now that the boss has departed, what are your career prospects like?

Bike – Are you kidding? In this economy? Look at me – in addition to having my reputation tainted, I’m competing against Schwinns half my age, who will work for half as much. I’ll probably wind up dodging traffic with some daredevil messenger for the rest of my life.

DJ – Are you thinking of reinventing yourself? <slams brakes to make skidmarks> I did that, too – started my own NYC team building company

Bike – I heard. Trivia? Not really my thing. I might go back to school to acquire a new gear or two, make myself more marketable.

DJ – How about a handlebar mustache? Sorry, cheap shot

Bike – Okay, we’re done here. Get off me.