Exclusive: My Interview with Rusty the Red Panda

The Internet is on fire today with the story of “Rusty,” a red panda who has gone missing from the Smithsonian National Zoo in Washington, D.C. Knowing that I have a good track record of speaking with escaped zoo animals, Rusty reached out to me from his voluntary exile to grant me this exclusive interview:

DJ – Rusty, you’re relatively new to the zoo – according to the news, you arrived from another zoo in Nebraska, in late April and have been working in D.C. about three weeks. Why the disappearing act?

Rusty – Simple – they didn’t make me feel welcome. I’m a new employee, you know? I don’t know the place, don’t know the other animal – and what do they do? They stick me in this tiny cage in the remote corner of the zoo, smells like urine –  the bigger pandas won’t even look at me, they see me as a threat. It sucks.

DJ – So they didn’t integrate you well to the team, I take it?

Rusty – I wouldn’t call eating all the fresh bamboo and leaving me the roots a rousing welcome, would you?

DJ – You’ve made reference to your workspace, and how that didn’t appeal to you. Can you elaborate?

Rusty – When I interviewed for this place, they promised I’d have a safe, comfortable environment to do my thing – no predators, and access to the cooling pool. Do you think they put me inside, in the nice air conditioning? No, they save those cushy spaces for the lazy snakes. You know I’m a BEAR, right? I have FUR? It’s 90 frikkin’ degrees out there, okay?

DJ – Understood. So, what would it take to make you happy, and come back to the workplace?

Rusty – At this point, I’m pretty disgruntled. They’d have to offer me flex time and a whole lot of vacation days – not to mention a pile of grubs as a bonus.

DJ – Anything you’d like to share with other young zoo animals like yourself?

Rusty –  Yeah – go to law school or something. This working stiff life is for the birds.